Dress
Code:
1) You are advised to come
To work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada
Shoes, Versace dresses
And carry a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and
Therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn
To manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore
You do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where
You need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick
Days:
We will no longer accept a
Doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor,
You are able to come to work.
Personal
Days:
Each employee will receive 104
Personal days a year. They are called Saturdays Sundays.
Bereavement
Leave:
This is no excuse for missing
Work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral
Arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is
Necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be
Glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one
Hour early.
Bathroom
Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being
Spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
Stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
Will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
Second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
The 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
Sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch
Breaks:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes
For lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
*
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain
Their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because
That's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your
Loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
Irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
Contemplations, consternation and input should be directed
Elsewhere.
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